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Ah, I knew it a sham and still it affected me. It had been so long since we
traveled as a couple, since he played more than a protective and proper
brother. Seeing that look, I felt hopeful and then hurt, and began to avoid
looking upon him whenever I thought his attention might return to me.
Tolleson, what can I say about him? He is a small bear. Hairy in a most
disgusting way. Pot bellied. He has a false, booming laugh. Each time it
erupted from him, I expected his gut to escape the confines of his clothes. He
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eats as if his face is buried between a whore s legs, gnawing left and right,
coming up for air with his lips and chin moist from the feast. It was all I could
do to achieve a lowborn air of gratefulness at his invitation when Daniel (who is
known to Tolleson as Tobias or Toby) at last introduced me.
To my surprise, Tolleson insisted I stay for the evening dinner. What s
more, Lady Hardbreath had already sent a note to the family I lodge with, both
she and Tolleson being led by Daniel to believe that I am one of their large
brood.
I was given a room to rest in and a drab little gown without a hint of ribbon
or lace was brought to my room along with shoes and dulled silver combs. I
wanted to ask the maid if her lord was as poor as I, not because I thought him
so, but from sheer spite! The man was trying to turn me into an ugly little
mouse.
Dinner was as distasteful as lunch cooking being yet another thing the
English have no skill at. But if only it had been the food alone that was
disagreeable. Poor Emily! Were she real, even I would have felt pity for her.
Lord Tolleson spoke to me often, asking questions he knew a girl like Emily
would have no answer for and making sly jests I pretended not to understand.
The company he keeps is equally boorish. Ooh, to have to keep that facile,
sometimes pained (though genuinely so!) expression through dinner when I so
longed nay seethed with the need to relax in my chair and decimate them
with a French wit they could not hope to match any better than Emily could
have stood against them.
And that is what I kept reminding myself the whole dinner through. I was
not, am not and never shall be that creature. Yet, Daniel s every glance told me
I was, and that no matter how plain or dumb his Emily might be, she was his
jewel.
I could not know what effect, if any, Daniel intended to have on me, but he
scored with Tolleson. The man grew more belligerent, more abusive as dinner
turned to drinks and Daniel finally insisted, much to Tolleson s shock, that a
carriage be summoned for my journey home.
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Hardbreath, however, protested that it was too late for her to travel with me
and she had advised my parents in her note that she would see to my lodgings
for the night. At least I was allowed to retire then. I put a chair against my
bedroom door only to find a few hours later that my chaperone would share the
room, and the bed, for the night.
How to describe the night that passed? When we are rid of this charade, I
shall throttle Daniel, if not leave him altogether! Having to wear yesterday s
lawn dress the next morning, those damnable little looks he showered me with
for Tolleson s benefit and sleeping with a tea kettle! It was like a death brought
on by a thousand pricks of a dull needle. Give me one sharp stab, I say. There
is honor in that, or at least a quick end.
November 2, 1787
It seems that things are progressing faster with Tolleson than Daniel could
have hoped. This could have hoped almost troubles me, for surely it is plain to
Daniel that Tolleson has no impulse control. He explained that he did not
anticipate quite the effect I would have on the man.
It would account for, at least, the dress that arrived yesterday at my
lodgings. Far finer than Tolleson s last care package, it is a polished silk
evening gown in a gray-green that perfectly matches Daniel s eyes. Odder still, I
am to attend the man s next soiree without a chaperone. He believes, you see,
that Daniel and I shall be married within two weeks time.
All of this and more Daniel told me as we walked through the street market
near my lodgings. One of my little sisters was near, as always, but Daniel
pointed out another member of our party one of Tolleson s grooms. It seems
Little Bear (as I had dubbed Tolleson) had made Daniel the manservant s sole
duty.
Do give a little sneeze, Emily, he had requested after discreetly pointing
the man out.
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Turning my head away from him, I released a constrained aachoo into my
hand. Accepting his offer of a handkerchief, I palmed the small disk it
concealed, knowing its purpose by its shape and size.
He must think you a virgin if he is intent on ruining you. He studied a
stall loaded with bread.
I know what to do, I assured him and returned the handkerchief. He
pocketed it, his mouth quirking forward as if there was more he would say.
What?
His appetites& you might find Christophe tame by comparison. He turned,
his eyes as bright as any young lover s would be. I would not ask you to
endure this if I could otherwise keep his trust and company.
And now to my shame and pleasure, I must confess, if only to myself in
writing this, I have become wet with anticipation.
November 8, 1787
It drives me insane, wondering at the secrets that must be swimming
through his head while he sits there so calmly, drinking his tea and writing
letters to secure our passage to Italy. (Oh, such a reward to leave England this
time of year, though he warns me we go straight to work upon our arrival.)
Looking at him now, I want to tackle him to the floor and do whatever it
takes for him to tell me something, to let more slip on our next adventure than
the tantalizing morsel he offered me before he left our rooms earlier this
evening. I am truly starving with the need to know! Daniel is more than aware
of my agitation, too, offering me a pointedly tight-lipped grin when I lose myself
staring at him.
But I get ahead of myself and it is best not to dwell on what I cannot (yet!)
have. Better to record the events of the last few days.
There is no doubt in my mind that Lord Tolleson (Arthur as the night
progressed) meant the dinner at his London apartments to be a nightmarish
prelude for Emily to the evening he had planned. He had Daniel and me sitting
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like bookends next to his place at the head of the table. Lady Hardbreath was
given the honor of sitting at the far end opposite Tolleson.
Touching my arm, he would call down to her as each course was served,
Should I send your young charge down to sit by you?
And she would whistle back up the table, mouth half full of the course the
servants were carting away, Oh, I should not task myself with trying to guard
that girl s honor!
How I shrank from each touch and crude jest he peppered the evening with.
I cast worried glances at Daniel. I looked, even, to the other guests for rescue.
All but Daniel, looking equally helpless, returned my silent pleas with a smirk.
Even the women attending were too like the men who had accepted
Christophe s invitation to my ruin, and their smug glee at my plight only set my
will against Tolleson. Whatever Daniel sought from Tolleson, we would win it.
When he should have been leading his guests from the dinner table and
into the sitting room beyond, Tolleson placed his hands on our wrists,
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