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"I'm not ready."
Jess snorted. "Can you swim?"
"Can you breathe?" He could be grumpy, too.
Jess didn't even bat an eyelid. "Then you can race. You
start packing it up the first time you don't do well and I can
guarantee you, the minute you hit the Worlds and Olympics
you're going to be in deep shit."
"There's a difference between not doing well and sucking
wind, and you know it."
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Personal Best II [A Going for the Gold Novel]
by Sean Michael
"And I guarantee you you won't suck wind. You're so far
ahead of where you were three weeks ago. And making the
fucking finals is not sucking wind!" Jess growled and got up
into his face. "Are you ever going to stop fighting me on
every single fucking thing?"
He pushed right back, seeing red. "No! I'm going to make
your fucking life miserable until the day you die!"
"Well, you're doing a damned good job of it!" Jess growled
again and grabbed his arms, staring straight into his eyes.
"You're going to this fucking meet and you're putting in the
best race you can put in. And if you come in first, fucking
awesome. You come in third, cool. You come in dead last?
That's fine, too. But you are racing."
"Fuck you. I. Am. Not. Ready!" He was shaking, he was so
pissed, and he pulled away, stormed upstairs to the little
room that used to be his. The sound of the door slamming felt
good, the feel of his hands pounding on the bed felt better.
Jess hardly gave him any time to himself at all, knocking
on the door in what felt like seconds later. He looked to make
sure the door was locked and then went back to throwing his
temper tantrum. If no one saw it? It didn't count.
"Damn it, Mike, let me in." The handle turned fruitlessly.
He stopped, sweat pouring off him, pissed as hell, and tore
the door open. "What?"
"We weren't finished, Mike. And I'm sorry if it's going to
cramp your tantrum style, but we need to deal with this."
"I am dealing. I am being pissed off at you!"
"Good. Use that. Swim your heart out."
"You never listen to me!"
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Personal Best II [A Going for the Gold Novel]
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"Not when you're talking nonsense, I don't."
Oh. Oh, he was.
Oh.
Mike threw his head back and just screamed.
"Right." Jess grabbed his arm and dragged him over to the
playroom.
He was already in the room before he figured out what the
fuck was up. "What the fuck?"
"You obviously need something other than swimming to
focus on."
His eyes felt huge in his head. Massive. Hot. Almost rolling.
Jess just looked at him, raised an eyebrow. "Unless you
want to discuss this like a rational human being."
He growled and turned his back on Jess, breathing deep,
trying not to be pissed.
"Mike ... You're behaving like a child."
That put a line of pure steel in his spine, his jaw going
tight. "Fine. Then I definitely shouldn't be in here." He headed
out, downstairs to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of milk.
Jess came down the stairs but didn't search him out, going
into the office instead.
Mike didn't know what to do. Part of him wanted to go to
Jess, tell his coach how scared he was, how it was haunting
him, how he worried, constantly, about what would happen to
him when Jess found another star, another swimmer. Part of
him knew that he needed to just get his ass in the pool and
swim. Another part wanted to get on the bike and drive until
he couldn't think anymore.
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Personal Best II [A Going for the Gold Novel]
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Ten minutes later, he still hadn't decided. Jess came out of
the office and into the kitchen, leaning against the counter.
"You ready to talk to me, Mike?"
"What do you want me to say?"
"I want you to tell me why you won't race."
He looked out the kitchen window. "I'm not ready."
"Bullshit."
"It's not. I'm not ready. I want another tenth."
"You won't go to the meet because you're sweating a tenth
of a second?" Jess looked incredulous.
"Yes. I want another tenth." He rinsed out his glass, hands
shaking. He did, and he wasn't going to forgive Jess for the
child crack either.
"All right, Mike. Talk to me, okay? What the hell is really
up?"
He didn't realize he was shaking his head until he stopped.
"Okay, okay." Jess' arms wrapped around him, face buried
in his neck. "Breathe, baby."
He took a deep breath, fingers in Jessy's hair. It was easier
like this, easier to talk with Jess so close. "I ... I'm scared,
Jess. I'm scared that I can't. I'm scared that ... that it's over
and then." He swallowed hard.
"Oh, baby." Jess' hands slid down his back, soothing,
warm. "It's not over. Not for a minute."
"I'm ... I don't want to lose you. I'm greedy. I don't want
to be your has-been."
Jess stood back a little, took his hands in the warm hands.
"You will never be my has-been, Mike. I love you. You.
Trophy case or no trophy case."
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"I love you. I ... I'm sorry. You're right. I'm just a stupid
kid." He backed away, headed toward the pool.
"Whoa, hold up." Jess caught up with him and stopped
him. "I was pissed off, too, Mike. And that was out of line."
He met Jess' eyes, all twisted inside. "Yeah? Because I try,
Jessy. I try so hard to be all you want."
Jess kissed him softly. "You are, Mike, don't you get that?
You are. Just by being you."
"I love you." He rested their foreheads together.
"I love you, too, Mike. So much. No matter what, okay?"
Jess shook his head. "I know there's a lot on your shoulders,
and I'd take more if I could, but you're the one with the
talent. I never had that."
"You have talent, Jess. You put up with me."
Jess chuckled and rubbed their noses together. "That's
easy as breathing, baby."
"You think I can win the races?"
"Hell, yes. And if you don't win the ones this next meet,
you'll win them the meet after. You're the best I've ever seen,
Mike."
He nodded. "I'm scared, but if you think ... I trust you."
"Mike, losing's a part of the game. Only one person can
win, and it isn't always going to be you. You put in your best
on any given day, and that makes you a winner. Now, when it
comes to you, your best is better than anyone else." Jess
looked right into him. "I will love you no matter what place
you take, Mike. I love you. You."
He nodded, wanting to believe, so badly.
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"You know, everyone thinks I'm so hard on you, when the
truth is that you're harder on yourself than I could ever be."
"I ... You're good to me."
"That's what people who love each do, no? Be good to
each other?" Jess kissed him hard.
Something hard and hurting within him eased and he
nodded, pushing into Jess' arms. Jess purred softly, hands
stroking, mouth sliding over his face.
"Oh. Better. Love."
"Yeah? Good." Jess continued to touch him, to kiss and
nuzzle him.
"Yeah. You ... you make shit easier."
"That's what I do, Mike." He got another kiss. "Now, are
we going to this meet? Because we've got to confirm our
reservations and pack."
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